Reading Hamlet over the summer has really made me stop and think. Why don't people talk like this anymore? Ok, so it might be a little more drawn out and dramatic, but the beauty and power behind 2 lines of Shakespeare's words overshadow entire novels of modern dialect. I mean, a guy using words like those of Romeo to Juliet has a heck of a better shot than the guy using cheesy and unfortunately all too-common pick-up lines like "Baby, are you from Tennessee? Cause you're the only 10 I see." No lie I have heard this one in action around my hometown. It isn't pretty and more importantly, it makes you sound like a pig who's been educated amongst the hay in a barn. [Not that there's anything wrong with that, just saying that when it results in pick-up lines like that, it becomes the world's issue. i mean I loved Laura Ingalls.] I think another reason, is that people have become lazy. Instead of saying "Did my heart love 'til now? Foreswear its sight--for I never saw true beauty 'til this night." they just say "She's hot." It's shorter, easier, requires less breath, and although it is more vulgar and far less attractive, it satisfies the laziness that people nowadays are prone to. I'm a star-struck girl, living in a lazy world. Bring me my Romeo and call me a Capulet, or just someone with a lot of opinions.
Well after a very long 12 hour drive, a side-stop at Fort Bragg, and a horrible rise in temperature we got there. All in all it wasn't that bad, it could have been a lot worse. I tried to sleep to pass the time, but it didn't work all that well. Dan kept calling every hour, on the hour, it was a little amusing. He really wanted us to get there. Plus he was bored, cause his friend bought a laptop and was wrapped up in that and all he had to do was sit around in a bowling alley on post. I started getting excited when I saw the signs for 'Columbia'. The fact that they start showing them a good 100 miles away is cruel by the way. When we finally did get there he had us meet him at the main PX by the main gate. He said if we used the main entrance then we'd see him when we walked in. I was a little nervous. It took me a moment to find him but I did. His hair was definitely shorter, and he definitely had lost 25 pounds. And his head and hands were definitely tan. It was different, but I did recognize him and I didn't mind the change. I met a couple of his friends and we walked around then we decided to go get something to eat at the burger king on post since his mom was hungry. It was so packed in there, i don't think i've ever seen a burger king so full in my life. After we ate we decided to go to the bowling alley he had been at the whole day to just sit around until it was time to take him back to his barracks. It was nice to just sit and talk to him again. The air conditioning was great too. I definitely didn't take well to the southern heat. Then we drove him to his barracks. It wasn't as hard to say good-bye since I knew I was gonna see him tomorrow, but I wasn't looking forward to it all the same. My parents got there Thursday night. I made them get up early to go to his graduation. We ended up getting to the field at about 7:30 am. It was a good thing too cause the bleachers were already filling up. I saved some seats for his parents and bought his basic training dvd. Buses started arriving and they started filing out and lining up. Then the graduation started. It was kind of amusing because you could definitely tell where he was cause he was the tallest person in his platoon and then when they were marching his platoon had uneven numbers so he marched all the way in the back by himself. After the graduation we had to meet him over by his barracks. His parents signed him out and he got a pass to go off-post. We went to the PX cause he wanted to look for a few things. His sister and mother were listening to a jewelry raffle from a guy from Savorski crystals or something like that. His sister bought a bag of jewelry worth about 600$ for 65$ since she was 1 of 5 to raise her hand. Dan evidently saw me looking at the heart necklace when the guy was showing it and he got it from his sister for me. It's a heart lined with crystals. He is definitely having way too much fun having money. Then we went to eat chinese at a local restaurant and he got to use the chopsticks I bought him. Then we went to walmart to pick up some drinks before heading back to his parents hotel. We decided to go swimming. It was fun. I think that's the first time we've actually been swimming together. We watched his basic training video. He was in it when he was coming out of the gas chamber. Then we went to this locally owned mexican restaurant for dinner. We had a little bit of time before he had to be back at his barracks so we stopped at Best Buy so he could pick up some head phones and a DVD for his portable DVD player. He ended up replacing my Fall Out Boy album that got ripped in my car. Like I said, he's having too much fun having money. Then we got to hi sbarracks, took some pictures, and said good-bye...again. I managed to keep myself together until i got back to my hotel room. I was glad my parents weren't there so I could just be alone for a while. I knew it wouldn't be easy on him if I fell apart while I was still with him. It was good to see him again though. I wouldn't trade that for the world. It was just nice to be around him again, hold a conversation again, and tell him everything and not have to write it in a letter. He left saturday morning for AIT and I'm home again. So he goes another 2 months. I think it's going to be better though. He got to call me Saturday night from someone's cell phone and he said he was gonna get one cause it bugged him that he's one of the only ones without one. But he can call me a lot more now. He got a phone this weekend so now he's having fun texting and calling whenever he can. It's nice to talk to him again. It almost feels normal again. And it's nice to feel close to him in an emotional sense even if he's physically a couple hundred miles away. All I can say is I'm glad that Basic is finally over. AIT seems like it's gonna go by so much faster. He's even going to probably be back for my birthday. So far if everything goes ok, he should be back by September 29, which is a lot sooner than we thought. We'll even be able to do Fright Farm again.
i will not let you live my life for me. i know you think i'm a terrible person, that i'm going to make the same mistakes some people in our family have, that i have no clue what i'm doing, that i'll fail out of school, and that i'm with someone who can't support me. but i have done nothing to make you think all of those things, you're assumptions are not backed and inappropriate. you shouldn't hold me to someone else's standards. i've done nothing but retain straight A's, take all the AP courses available to me, become tied for valedictorian, and maintain a full list of extracurriculars. i've never done drugs, never smoked, heck i've never even had detention! so i'm just wondering when I became such a horrible person? is it when i met someone who loves me, and treats me well? Is it when I fell in love with that person and have every intention of being with him for the rest of my life? please, tell me cause i fail to see the problem here. I will be 22-23 so we will make the decision on whether or not we move in together. Not you. I will be 23-24, so we will make the decision whether or not we get married. Not you. Learn to trust that you've raised me right, that i'm not going to make the same mistakes as everyone else including yourself. Learn to trust that maybe i know what i'm doing. Learn that i'm not like other kids my age. I never have been. Learn that.
ps. you are supposed to make the hotel reservations when you're going to a BCT graduation. Just because we have not gotten a call from him saying he has passed his final PT test does not mean you don't make reservations. 1. Even if he didn't pass he had 3 more chances to pass this week so chances are, HE'S PASSED! 2. The hotels have a money back guarantee as long as you cancel within 24 hours. 3. Your credit card and information are encrypted and secure.
I can't make the military tell me if he's passed or not. if i could I would.
So you yelling at me that we can't schedule is totally ridiculus.
so the future's slowly changing.
not necessarily a bad thing.
just different than what I pictured.
so here's what's been going on lately.
dan needs to pass his next PT test to pass basic.
i haven't heard from him yet.
I still want to go to northwestern but my mom doesn't.
i don't want to get married in Chicago.
I want to get married at Nemacolin Woodlands so people at home can come.
I'm playing guitar again.
I'm blogging again.
I wanna write music.
I switched my career path to Psychology.
and love it.
i work at eat n' park.
i'm going to be a senior.
i was reading through old entries, and it almost made me cry.
a good cry though.
i want to go to kennywood.
i wish I was making more money.
i wish I could hear from Dan.
I should be doing homework right now.
i love the jonas brothers.
nick jonas is my hero for his contributions to diabetes.
i want to get to their concert really bad.
needing money sucks.
small paychecks suck.
gas prices suck.
summer homework sucks.
still being in high school sucks.
the guy i love being 490 miles away sucks.
yeah. that's pretty much my life right about now.
oh and I met the most amazing girls in the world.
they're SG girls and they're the best fam/friends.
“It has been said that we need just three things in life: Something to do, Something to look forward to And someone to love.”
in stories, things are simple. you control the plot. you are god. with the simple flick of a pencil or typing a few words, you could change the course of history. you can control the beginning, the middle and the end. you can create heartbreak, happiness, anger, grief, success, failure, and love. you can kill someone with one word. you can make someone fall in love in one paragraph. you can make someone a millionaire in one page. so why isn't it that simple in your own life? i think i'm going to write to the author of life, and tell him this chapter sucks.
today has been hard. i don't know why i just feel really depressed about things. i was planning on sending something with dan when he went away to basic but he won't be allowed to take half of it. all i'm allowed to send him is letters, phone cards, and pictures. so much can happen in 5 months. i'll be another year older. i'll be in my last year of high school. i feel ridiculus considering there are other people in worse situations but this is so different for me. i told myself i would never been an "army wife." and i know that i don't have a ring, or a certificate, but what else would you call it? they don't give a damn about you in the national guard unless they see that ring and certificate. you're nothing to them. you're just some other friend to them. but it's not like that. it's just as bad for most of us. i wish there was a way to make things easy. i wish there was a way to bypass certain parts of our lives. i wish people would just stop and listen. i wish i could shut off my emotions. i wish i could shove things away. this is something i can't shove away. i've tried. i've tried to think of positive things but with my parents the way they are there aren't many positive things. they seem like they are deadset on trying to tear us apart and they see the national guard as one more opportunity. people keep telling me that i shouldn't be this serious while i'm so "young." that there's a whole new world out there. that there's other guys out there. that there's other colleges out there. i'm not like that. i have to believe that two people can fall in love, no matter what age, and stay together. i have to believe that what i feel is real and is going to be there no matter what. i have to believe that someone cares enough about me in this world to stay with me and take care of me. i have to believe that i can make it into the school i want. i have to believe in dreaming. i have to believe. if you don't believe, then it's one. that thing that drags everyone down has won. i have to believe that someone actually cares about me. wants me. needs me. loves me. i have to believe i can succeed. i can be a reporter. i can be an author. i can live in chicago. i can get into northwestern. i just have to believe. for my own sanity. i can't believe everything in this world is terrible. i can't believe that this is it for me. that i'm not meant to be anywhere else but this county. i have to believe that it can't rain all the time. i just have to believe. and if someone wants to tell me otherwise. then that's not what i need in my life right now. Would you swear that you'll always be mine?
Would you lie would you run away
Am I in to deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care you're here tonight
You can take my breath away.
"Second to the right, and straight on till morning."
i'm starting to get things together to apply to northwestern.
it's only in the very very early stages, but its exciting.
i've geared myself to never expect anything.
it works out better that way.
it feels weird to say that I'm one 9 weeks into my junior year in highschool.
it's like one side of me is saying, "There's no way time went that fast."
and the other side is saying, "I shouldn't be here, I should be on my own."
It's getting stronger than ever,
that feeling that i don't belong in this town.
that i don't belong in high school.
that i belong, out there.
in the city,
on my own,
living my life.
i want to get into northwestern so bad,
i want to get out of this town so bad,
it's pushing me to do the best I can in school,
because I know that's my one way ticket out of here.
Hand in mine, into your icy blues
And then I'd say to you we could take to the highway
Hand in mine, into your icy blues
And then I'd say to you we could take to the highway
i've found my edward, now all i have to do is wait patiently.
"You are my heart, my life, my one and only thought."- SirArthurConanDoyle
"To die will be an awfully big adventure."
I don't know what's going to happen.
And it scares the hell out of me.
I'm trying to live with it though.
I just hope that the one thing i can count on in my life.
doesn't turn out like all the things that have failed me.
i wish i could fast foreward about 8 years.
skip anything that might hurt me.
i thought i knew where things were going.
i thought for once there was something stable.
now i'm not sure what the future holds.
and that's just sent all my defense measures up again.
it's like this siren going off in my mind.
trying desperately to protect me from getting hurt, again.
i know what i want the future to hold.
what i need it to hold.
i'll be fine.
i'll be normal.
i'll not expect anything.
i'll take things in stride.
i'll not overthink things.
i'll let things go.
i'll be fine.
i love him. more than anything.
and i'm happy, right now.
that's enough, right?
"If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger." - Wuthering Heights
you'll always be my imprint.